Struggle

I am a survivor of life
When I say so, I mean… Life takes a toll. It forces you to toil. To hooe. To fall. To rise. To fall. To drown in tears. To swim. Sometimes even trying to just breathe.

Sometimes it feels just a bit easier to try and just die. I know it because I have felt the urge. However, the fear of failing…. It’s huge! So I continue. Don’t you? Well, maybe sometimes, I hope.

However, then… It’s all about ‘one-day’ at a time.

As I lay on my bed right now, contemplating life, love, purpose of me. I feel lost. Nothing to wake up to. So, I decided to seek shelter in here. To write my heart out. Words, my long lost love, who ones provided me the refuge when even my parents failed to understand me.

I have aged. I have. Turning 27 was not easy. Fighting with world. For me, my views, my stand as a woman, my right as a woman, my right as an individual, as a adult… it has been a lots of fighting. I have won some, lost most.. but mostly lived through the day.

Today on, I plan to write everyday. 365 days. Not for anyone or for achieving anything in particular. Just enough to help me breathe and keep going on. Hopefully will be able to do so! ❤️

[10]

I woke up the next morning feeling different…good different. I couldn’t help but smile thinking about everything. I don’t remember feeling like this in a long time. I might have been wrong about myself maybe.

I could actually fall again. I could actually have a chance at being happy. I could actually maybe, live again and not pretend to do so. I could actually not wait for Death to come, in order to take away the burden of a life of mine! I could actually be happy!

I dressed up and went to the dinning hall. His Granny made a grand breakfast for us. At the table, she made us sit beside each other. We didn’t look at each other but we were smiling. And we knew it. We just did. And it didn’t go unnoticed by Granny. She didn’t say anything, just smiled.

We got into the car and drove away. He turned on the music. It was one of my favorites, once again. I heard him singing. I joined him. None of us were the best at it, but we didn’t care. We made a complete fool of ourselves and had a good laugh afterwards.

We reached my office and it was my turn to leave. I kept sitting. I didn’t want to leave. Opening the door and getting out would just burst my bubble, and reality would flood in…the reality where things were not perfect or anything close to happy.

“Hey!” he said, touching my hand.

I turned to look at him.

“Your office is here.” he said.

“I know.” I said.

“What’s wrong?”

“Nothing.” I said, opening the door.

“Wait!” he said, pulling my hand. I turned to look at him.

“Wait!” he said again, and gave me a quick kiss.

“Now you can go.” he said, with a naughty grin. I got out and barely went a few steps. I could feel his eyes following me.

I turned back and ran back to his car. Surprised, he quickly pulled down the window.

“What? You forgot something?” he asked.

“Umm…yes!”

“What?” he said, looking around.

“So…dinner tonight?” I asked, naughtily.

He stopped looking around and smiled, and said,

“Sure.”

[The End.]

[7]

I stood by the balcony and stared at the Sun as it slowly went down the horizon and finally hid itself completely behind the hills, biding farewell. I had almost forgotten how much I loved the hills and the Sunset! I smiled. Good thing he brought me here. I made a mental note to thank him for that.

I heard a click beside me. I turned to see him with his face hidden behind a camera.

“Did you just…”

“You are very photogenic, I must say!” He replied before I could finish my sentence.

“Thank you…I guess!” I said, hesitatingly. He continued clicking pictures.

“I didn’t know you are into photography!”

“It’s more of a hobby. Capturing the perfect moment, seizing it, preserving it…making memory, carpe diem…you know?” he said, with a wink.

I smiled. He was deeper than I thought.

“I am going to take a walk and click a few photos. You in?” he offered.

Well I didn’t exactly have any other plans. But I was not busy either. And going around the place seemed like a good idea. So I decided to go with him. He didn’t take the easy way downhill. He went…what should I say…wild? Childish? Crazy? Well maybe a combination of all of them. He showed me the nests of birds, unusual plants, untraveled paths which apparently he discovered as a child. I was listening to him keenly.

It was already dark when we got back on the main roads. The roads were empty. We went and sat on a bench by the road. The town below was lit with lights. We had the Moon above us to guide us.

“I love this spot personally.” he said without looking at me.

“I can see why.” I smiled.

“Thank you and thank you.”

“Why and why?”

“For bringing me here and…umm…” I shouldn’t have said the second one. He was now looking at me, expecting me to answer.

“Not asking anything about…you know!”

“What?”

“You know…from before…”

“Oh that’s alright. I understand trust me. Everybody has their secrets. You have yours. I have mine. They need to be respected. Not judged.”

I nodded. He looked at me. I don’t know… I don’t know why he looked at me like that. I don’t know why…I went close to him and I kissed him.

[To be continued…]

[6]

We pulled in before a house. I thought we would check in into a hotel.
He stopped right outside the house and chivalrous, as we know him, he came out opened the door of the car for me.

“Where are we? What is this place? And…and whose house is this? Why did you bring me here?” I threw a series of questions at him.

“Okay! I know you have questions. I will definitely answer them one by one but please, first get in.”

“Ah! Well! I don’t know you…I mean we met a couple of times…And why should I get in with you?”

“Trust me.”

I shouldn’t. Right?

I followed him, anyway, a few steps behind him, in case I have to run.
He went to the door and knocked. The door opened and a lady in her mid-sixties stepped forward. She was overwhelmed to see us and hugged us…him first, and then me. She invited us in.

“Do you like cookies, my dear?” she asked me.

“Yes…Ma’am. Sure.” I said, hesitatingly.

I don’t know where he went. He still hasn’t answered my questions. But my curiosity was at work. I started looking for my own answers. I found photographs by the window. I went to see them. Soon one question was answered. The lady is his grandmother.

“Ya, she is my Granny.” I heard his voice from behind me.

“I got that.” I reply smiling. I had never met any of my own, and I always wondered what it feels to have them. But… “Why did you bring me here?”

“Well I guess I wanted to visit her and we were on our way with no fixed destination…so I thought why not pay them a visit?” he said smiling.

Was this the reason? Or was it something else? I didn’t ask, he didn’t say. Topic closed. For now.

“How long are you two staying here?”, we turned to find Granny behind us. Ya, I called her that. I looked at him to answer. It was my question too, although I hadn’t asked him.

“Will be leaving in half an hour.”

“What?! Do you think I will leave you this easily?”

“Gran, I have a job. She too does. And we never planned to come here in the first place.”

“No. You two are not going anywhere. You finally bring your girlfriend to visit your Granny and stay for what just mere 45 minutes? I thought you are better that that!”

“No…No…” I protested.

“Gran…firstly, she is just a friend. We were stressed with our jobs, needed some fresh air so we came here. But…we can’t stay.”

“No. Call your bosses and take a day off. You and your friend are staying. One day won’t hurt. The world will survive. Plus it’s just an hour drive. Leave early the next morning you will reach there on time.”

“I really can’t. We are working on an important project right now. The deadline is in three days. I would have stayed if I could.” I told her.

She heard me. She was silent for a few moment and then she said “Okay. Then just tonight. Go tomorrow morning. I will make arrangements for you.”

“But! But!” She put a finger to her lips. I looked at him, helplessly. To my surprise, he simply shrugged. Great!
[To be continued…]